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I've won my share of promotional items from radio stations over the years; mostly from WIFC here in Wausau; cassettes, CDs, videos, concert tickets, and movie passes just to name a few. And of course, I've lost more times than I've won.

Playing radio games can be a pleasant diversion from the doldrums of the seemingly endless monotony of the daily grind. Unfortunately it can also make the job more difficult when it is too demanding of your attention. Once engaged it is difficult to let go.

Thus was the case last Thursday night when the name of the game was "If people only knew that I..." The object of the game was to complete the sentence. The prize? Front row tickets to the February 14 Howie Mandell show.

I set myself to thinking along these lines, listened to other responses for a while as I stapled reports, and finally came up with an idea. Cale McCormik is the DJ on the 11 p.m. to 6 a.m. graveyard shift, and while he relieves Jeff Murray, the evening man --and the host of our show -- at 11, their shifts often overlap with Jeff staying into the wee hours forming a two person show where they play off of one another. Knowing that Jeff likes to pick on Cale I decided to take this approach to the game.

When I finally got through I got a bit tongue tied and before I could get my sentence out Jeff asked where I was, referring to the background noise in the data center where I was diligently going about my work. I told him that I was in a computer room, and he asked if I had a hammer. He wanted me to violently dismantle something with the tool. "I wanna hear something being smashed" he said. I just laughed real hard and said something to the effect that it would really be fun but when he asked if I needed my job, I had to respond with a reluctant "yea, I guess so," dismissing his request as folly.

Getting back to the purpose of my call, I as smoothly as possible said "If people only knew that I was Cale McCormik's secret lover." I got a bit of a chuckle from Jeff when I said "I know that you like to pick on Cale," and he played it on the air but no dice, I needed something better; but what?

Simplicity itself Watson, he gave me the answer himself -- I can't believe it took so long for me to see it -- he wants to hear something being smashed. He wants someone to do something crazy and I was now into playing that role. I looked around in vain for a hammer and finally called home. Glad to find that my wife was on her way out, I asked her to grab an old keyboard in need of repair but not worth the cost to do so, along with my hammer and drop them off on her way.

I called Julie earlier so she could hear my "secret lover" line on the radio. Already knowing what was going on, I only needed to tell her my new line and she was glad to bring me my props.

No make-up necessary; this is radio. Show time!

Preparing myself mentally, I recited my line over and over to the noisy but empty room. Placing the keyboard on the floor in front of me, the hammer within easy reach I began to dial repeatedly. As fast as they could go, my fingers danced across the keypad.

Finally, after the seemingly endless attempts at getting something other than a busy signal -- which when a game is in progress is much like getting through to America Online with flat-rate pricing -- RING! "WIFC" answered Jeff Murray, and with only slight hesitation I delivered the following line:

"If people only knew that I hated my job so much that I would smash a computer with a hammer!" (Note: I don't really hate my job that much. Remember, this is just a game.)

With that I struck the keyboard enthusiastically, using considerable but moderated force three times. The impact of each successive blow sent springs and broken pieces of plastic flying in every direction bouncing off the furniture and equipment. I then laughed evilly and said "I found a hammer." "Did you really smash a computer?" he asked, to which I replied "Just the keyboard," with a laugh in my voice. He then put me on hold.